i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
