I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
