News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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