Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
