I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
