paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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