My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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