Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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