apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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