i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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