Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
