he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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