I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
