I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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