I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
