is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
