NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize