I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
