also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
