can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
