Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
