once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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