His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
