Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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