please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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