My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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