I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
