Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
