I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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