And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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