when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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