I can text with my tongue
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
