I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
