I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize