Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
