i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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