Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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