every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize