I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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