One girl and one boy is just not enough.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
