This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
