i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
