He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
