Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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