I hate all girls vehemently.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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