remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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