Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
