Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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