just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
