I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
