Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
