im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
