I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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