he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
