I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
