i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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