I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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