Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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