NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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