whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
