i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize