Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
