My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize