Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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